Really loved this one Cece! I think everyone will have at least a few instances in their life (probably many) where they feel like a "bad" person, and maybe a "really bad" person. It's interesting to hear you reflect on where you think that originates in your upbringing, and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on reframing it. Do we stop trying or thinking that we can be "good" all the time? Accept that maybe we are "bad" people sometimes, but that's only human? Or recast what we define as "bad" and "good" to be more generous with ourselves? If this topic showed up again in another essay, I wouldn't be mad about it...
This is certainly a topic I need to continue thinking about! Right now, I'm trying to grasp that perhaps we are all just humans, who sometimes do good things, sometimes do bad things, but more often do things that are both good and bad. On this topic, I really enjoyed Michael Schur's book "How to Be Perfect," which helped me work through some paralyzing moral situations like, "Am I a bad person if I don't give money to this person asking for money?" Check it out if you like thinking about these kinds of things, and I'll for sure write about this again :)
Oh it’s so nice to get an essay from you again Cece! I relate a lot to the feeling of being a “bad person” by not being perfect, especially in sharing your work with others. It is such a vulnerable experience. I hope you can have some compassion for yourself: it is an act of courage to share a work in progress with someone, and I hope your beta readers give you the support and feedback to make this book the best version it can be.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, Vinamrata! I've been telling myself that sharing my work-in-progress is similar to my friend making too-large crochet stitches--a necessary step in the journey of recovering from perfectionism. Your words here also help a lot--my essays on Substack are far from perfect, as well :)
of course!! funny enough, i have another writer friend who picked up knitting for similar reasons, and put down writing until she was comfortable with imperfection. wonder if there's a trend here with writers and knitting/crochet as a form of self healing?
This was very relatable! I think we share the same deepest fear :). Love your friend’s practice of leaving the bad stitches—exposure therapy for the perfectionists…
It really is crazy how much we think of ourselves as “bad people,” and quite frankly, for moronic reasons. I have recently found myself thinking I am a “bad person” when I am awkward or have a different view or feelings about a situation. Just because of how society labels charismatic or friendly and outgoing people as “good people." Just the other day I was trying to be nice and outgoing and said “hey” to someone, and they didn’t say it back (I have greeted them many times before). I felt so bad for bothering them and being too casual; it literally had me thinking maybe they think I am a "bad person" because maybe if it was someone else who is outgoing it wouldn’t have been awkward.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD. A few weeks ago, a friend stopped responding to my texts after we'd been texting for a bit and I was convinced she hated me and thought I was evil because I'd sent her a link to an interesting article (albeit about a sensitive topic). I literally obsessed about this for a week, both too afraid to ask her directly but also too anxious to let it go. All this to say: you aren't alone. And neither of us are bad people. We're just people, with all the awkwardness and conflict and foibles and mistakes that come with being people.
Your writing and reflections really resonate with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, and for delving into these vulnerable spaces.
Great thought-provoking post! I liked the distinction between the technical and moral aspects of a mistake. Leads me to wonder - if we're the ones deciding our own moral values, should we also be judging ourselves as good? In other words, what if we're in reality bad, and we're just telling ourselves we're good?
Really loved this one Cece! I think everyone will have at least a few instances in their life (probably many) where they feel like a "bad" person, and maybe a "really bad" person. It's interesting to hear you reflect on where you think that originates in your upbringing, and I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on reframing it. Do we stop trying or thinking that we can be "good" all the time? Accept that maybe we are "bad" people sometimes, but that's only human? Or recast what we define as "bad" and "good" to be more generous with ourselves? If this topic showed up again in another essay, I wouldn't be mad about it...
This is certainly a topic I need to continue thinking about! Right now, I'm trying to grasp that perhaps we are all just humans, who sometimes do good things, sometimes do bad things, but more often do things that are both good and bad. On this topic, I really enjoyed Michael Schur's book "How to Be Perfect," which helped me work through some paralyzing moral situations like, "Am I a bad person if I don't give money to this person asking for money?" Check it out if you like thinking about these kinds of things, and I'll for sure write about this again :)
Thank you for the recommendation! I will definitely check it out and look forward to your future essays!
Oh it’s so nice to get an essay from you again Cece! I relate a lot to the feeling of being a “bad person” by not being perfect, especially in sharing your work with others. It is such a vulnerable experience. I hope you can have some compassion for yourself: it is an act of courage to share a work in progress with someone, and I hope your beta readers give you the support and feedback to make this book the best version it can be.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, Vinamrata! I've been telling myself that sharing my work-in-progress is similar to my friend making too-large crochet stitches--a necessary step in the journey of recovering from perfectionism. Your words here also help a lot--my essays on Substack are far from perfect, as well :)
of course!! funny enough, i have another writer friend who picked up knitting for similar reasons, and put down writing until she was comfortable with imperfection. wonder if there's a trend here with writers and knitting/crochet as a form of self healing?
This was very relatable! I think we share the same deepest fear :). Love your friend’s practice of leaving the bad stitches—exposure therapy for the perfectionists…
It really is crazy how much we think of ourselves as “bad people,” and quite frankly, for moronic reasons. I have recently found myself thinking I am a “bad person” when I am awkward or have a different view or feelings about a situation. Just because of how society labels charismatic or friendly and outgoing people as “good people." Just the other day I was trying to be nice and outgoing and said “hey” to someone, and they didn’t say it back (I have greeted them many times before). I felt so bad for bothering them and being too casual; it literally had me thinking maybe they think I am a "bad person" because maybe if it was someone else who is outgoing it wouldn’t have been awkward.
GET OUT OF MY HEAD. A few weeks ago, a friend stopped responding to my texts after we'd been texting for a bit and I was convinced she hated me and thought I was evil because I'd sent her a link to an interesting article (albeit about a sensitive topic). I literally obsessed about this for a week, both too afraid to ask her directly but also too anxious to let it go. All this to say: you aren't alone. And neither of us are bad people. We're just people, with all the awkwardness and conflict and foibles and mistakes that come with being people.
Your writing and reflections really resonate with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, and for delving into these vulnerable spaces.
Great thought-provoking post! I liked the distinction between the technical and moral aspects of a mistake. Leads me to wonder - if we're the ones deciding our own moral values, should we also be judging ourselves as good? In other words, what if we're in reality bad, and we're just telling ourselves we're good?