This was such a nice suprise in my inbox! I know you are focusing on writing so I didn't expect to receive your newsletter for a very long time. This might be one of my favourite essays of yours because it clearly explains some of the discomfort I feel at the idea of being pregnant that for the longest time I wasn't able to understand. I don't feel like congratulations are the right thing to write under such a nuanced post so I wish instead you'll have the opportunity to celebrate your wedding the way you wish soon!
Thank you so much for this lovely message, Yoh! I also always felt a little weird about getting married and pregnancy and having kids despite also wanting to, and it took our civil ceremony to prompt beginning to understand why. And we are indeed planning the celebration that we wanted, even if it won't have much meaning in the eyes of the State :)
I feel this sooo much. Ive been engaged for a year and a half and every time someone starts asking me about my wedding plans i get a weird bubbling rage bc of exactly this: " there is no good way of engaging with the institution under your own system of values without also reinforcing the existing traditional system of values that it represents.... My family will make a bigger deal out of it than I want them to; strangers will project their own definition of marriage onto mine." Its kind of a formality for me too, and i just know everyone elses ideals on what it "should" be are going to stress me out. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Right?? I was so confused by the bubbling rage because by all accounts, these events are happy events that I want... but I totally agree that being confronted with someone else's ideals and "shoulds" would understandably stress anyone--especially women who are already constantly faced with ideals and "shoulds"--out. You're not alone! We can be happy and enraged at the same time :)
This was a great post!! I’m in a similar situation in that I’m engaged (and did the proposing myself) but am politically so opposed to the institution of marriage in terms of how exclusionary it is and how it creates social hierarchies that I’d rather not be part of, and at the same time I clearly have a romantic idea of wanting this official, government sanctioned commitment and I can’t quite bring the two together. Your perspective was very interesting!
"Realizing that what you value so much isn’t valued by others—or conversely, realizing that what you value so little is of paramount importance to others—is an inherently isolating experience."
I feel as though this is the inner struggle of every creator :)
I loved reading this! As someone likely getting married in part due to practicalities, it's frustrating to see just how much government systems etc. favor married couples. Being in a domestic partnership shouldn't be seen so differently legally and socially. By getting married, I feel like people will see me in such a different way, even though nothing about me will have changed.
Such a moving piece, thank you. It captured feelings I could not put into words. I am now subscribing to your content. Congratulations on everything you have accomplished - marriage, this amazing career, being a leader in this space. Looking forward to seeing you climb even higher.
My partner and I struggled with the exact same thing! We chose to keep our "Big Residency Process Day" a secret from friends and extended family (our parents got security clearance) because we want our wedding to be on our own terms. Can't stress enough how much I empathize with you. I hope you get the wedding of your dreams♥️
My fiancee and I got engaged, are planning a wedding, but already got legally married in the courthouse. To the chagrin of some family members. The "correct" order has been shuffled and people have thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but it's almost like weddings (the wedding industry) are more for other people than the two getting married.
I’ve been married for 21 years and your wedding sounds perfect. Ha! My husband had been married before. I was 40. The big wedding was just not my thing. I wanted the city hall wedding with dinner with family and done! But it was not to be. The wedding was fun but the stress to make it perfect and to please everyone! Yikes. Anyway enjoy your health insurance. 😜
Just here to say I really appreciated the recording (and I don’t normally use them). I’m having a sensitive eye issue atm, so being able to sit and listen to this was great.
Ya know. It’s okay to say “I love my husband and want have babies”. And it’s okay to enjoy wanting to be a mother. It doesn’t make you a bad feminist even if everything you’ve been told is that is oppression.
Thank you for your honesty - I got married in 2021 (during Covid) and for that reason not everything was quite as I’d thought. My husband felt the same - for that reason we wrote a list of things we both (and individually) wanted to do, and do precisely as we wanted, and had them as our bucket list things for the following year. It was super fun!
This was such a nice suprise in my inbox! I know you are focusing on writing so I didn't expect to receive your newsletter for a very long time. This might be one of my favourite essays of yours because it clearly explains some of the discomfort I feel at the idea of being pregnant that for the longest time I wasn't able to understand. I don't feel like congratulations are the right thing to write under such a nuanced post so I wish instead you'll have the opportunity to celebrate your wedding the way you wish soon!
Thank you so much for this lovely message, Yoh! I also always felt a little weird about getting married and pregnancy and having kids despite also wanting to, and it took our civil ceremony to prompt beginning to understand why. And we are indeed planning the celebration that we wanted, even if it won't have much meaning in the eyes of the State :)
I feel this sooo much. Ive been engaged for a year and a half and every time someone starts asking me about my wedding plans i get a weird bubbling rage bc of exactly this: " there is no good way of engaging with the institution under your own system of values without also reinforcing the existing traditional system of values that it represents.... My family will make a bigger deal out of it than I want them to; strangers will project their own definition of marriage onto mine." Its kind of a formality for me too, and i just know everyone elses ideals on what it "should" be are going to stress me out. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Right?? I was so confused by the bubbling rage because by all accounts, these events are happy events that I want... but I totally agree that being confronted with someone else's ideals and "shoulds" would understandably stress anyone--especially women who are already constantly faced with ideals and "shoulds"--out. You're not alone! We can be happy and enraged at the same time :)
congratulations!!!! 💗💗💗
Thank you!
Hope you get to celebrate your wedding the way you want soon!
Thank you! Don't worry--we are planning it still for 2025 :)
This was a great post!! I’m in a similar situation in that I’m engaged (and did the proposing myself) but am politically so opposed to the institution of marriage in terms of how exclusionary it is and how it creates social hierarchies that I’d rather not be part of, and at the same time I clearly have a romantic idea of wanting this official, government sanctioned commitment and I can’t quite bring the two together. Your perspective was very interesting!
"Realizing that what you value so much isn’t valued by others—or conversely, realizing that what you value so little is of paramount importance to others—is an inherently isolating experience."
I feel as though this is the inner struggle of every creator :)
Thanks for sharing Cece!
Bahaha you're so right--this is why YouTubers always leave YouTube... thanks so much for reading!
I am so happy I came across this. I got married last year and you put into words my feelings that I'm STILL struggling to work through.
I loved reading this! As someone likely getting married in part due to practicalities, it's frustrating to see just how much government systems etc. favor married couples. Being in a domestic partnership shouldn't be seen so differently legally and socially. By getting married, I feel like people will see me in such a different way, even though nothing about me will have changed.
Such a moving piece, thank you. It captured feelings I could not put into words. I am now subscribing to your content. Congratulations on everything you have accomplished - marriage, this amazing career, being a leader in this space. Looking forward to seeing you climb even higher.
My partner and I struggled with the exact same thing! We chose to keep our "Big Residency Process Day" a secret from friends and extended family (our parents got security clearance) because we want our wedding to be on our own terms. Can't stress enough how much I empathize with you. I hope you get the wedding of your dreams♥️
My fiancee and I got engaged, are planning a wedding, but already got legally married in the courthouse. To the chagrin of some family members. The "correct" order has been shuffled and people have thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but it's almost like weddings (the wedding industry) are more for other people than the two getting married.
I’ve been married for 21 years and your wedding sounds perfect. Ha! My husband had been married before. I was 40. The big wedding was just not my thing. I wanted the city hall wedding with dinner with family and done! But it was not to be. The wedding was fun but the stress to make it perfect and to please everyone! Yikes. Anyway enjoy your health insurance. 😜
I love the voiceover!!!! It felt so raw hearing it in your tone!
Just here to say I really appreciated the recording (and I don’t normally use them). I’m having a sensitive eye issue atm, so being able to sit and listen to this was great.
Ya know. It’s okay to say “I love my husband and want have babies”. And it’s okay to enjoy wanting to be a mother. It doesn’t make you a bad feminist even if everything you’ve been told is that is oppression.
Thank you for your honesty - I got married in 2021 (during Covid) and for that reason not everything was quite as I’d thought. My husband felt the same - for that reason we wrote a list of things we both (and individually) wanted to do, and do precisely as we wanted, and had them as our bucket list things for the following year. It was super fun!