highly relatable!!! my partner and i both have full time jobs and while we're both still at least 5 years out from having kids, we do often discuss whether or not we even *can*. i mean, we're both well educated and salaried, but i have a lot of the same concerns you do. i feel like having children is an expression of faith in the world, or at least the part of the world where you live, and i don't feel optimistic. i mean, i don't feel completely hopeless (most of the time) but i also think that, short of either of us winning the lottery or his parents agreeing to spend their retirement helping us taking care of any children we have, it's going to be incredibly difficult for us to have kids without feeling like we'd be failing them by not being able to provide for them the way our parents provided for us.
omg YES to that last part--it's bizarre to both feel like we should be the most well-positioned to provide for kids while also feeling like we just... wouldn't live up to our own standards. i found out recently that having a social media account is an instant reject from some of the nyc private schools, and i spent a good hour spiraling over the fact that i'd ALREADY ruined my unborn children's futures 😭
that's insane!!! it's fascinating and horrifying how many dimensions there are to getting your kid into a decent school in nyc, from parents spending tens of thousands of dollars on test prep for the specialized high schools to...something like that? guess i better go delete my entire online existence
I’m just short of words, in the best way possible. One, because I wish I can get on a podcast with you to talk about this with you. But two, because I’m glad that I’m not the only one who has been plagued by these thoughts. I wrote a whole essay about this as my final project in law school and truthfully couldn’t complete it because I realized just how deeply connected and multifaceted this question is - for two reasons:
1.) culturally, as a “proper African girl,” family and children are a no brainer. Both for reasons that infertility is a non-topic in the home and a taboo that every woman should violently reject. Yet as an immigrant transplanted into the North-American context, there’s been this disorienting discourse that I’m yet to grasp, particularly on the intersection of black women health - forced sterilization and the history of why, the high mortality rate of pregnant black mothers in hospitals, in the US, although in Canada, the sheer absence of data on black women’s health - and the new news headlines on the declining birth rates around the world. I find it a bit ironic, and mildly hypocritical, that a demographic of the world had been labelled poor, immoral, and uneducated for having high fertility rates, yet that the same thing that govts are paying for now.
2.) personally as first-Gener, I’ve also been struggling with reconciling my worldviews on this topic. Even on the philosophical narratives that have been heralded as the predominant thinking of how worlds/societies should be based on. I found myself strongly agreeing with the author who critiques the moral troupe attached to having children. The truth on the disproportionate labour of child-rearing, and also the argument that speculating on an unrealized future is not exactly it! Straddling my teen move to Canada but preteen development in Nigeria, I’ve found myself deeply understanding how much context influences decisions—Context including govt, society, family, culture, sub-culture, etc.—Yet, feeling the need to choose one context the(emphasized) one that influences my values, choices, and decisions.
Excellent points--I've also found it troubling when I read articles in the U.S. about "women having too many children" in certain countries. It's hard not to see the policies trying to incentivize babies as actually trying to create more of a certain KIND of baby... if governments really cared, they could make adoption easier, among numerous other policies. And yet!
Thank you so much for reading and for offering your perspective!
highly relatable!!! my partner and i both have full time jobs and while we're both still at least 5 years out from having kids, we do often discuss whether or not we even *can*. i mean, we're both well educated and salaried, but i have a lot of the same concerns you do. i feel like having children is an expression of faith in the world, or at least the part of the world where you live, and i don't feel optimistic. i mean, i don't feel completely hopeless (most of the time) but i also think that, short of either of us winning the lottery or his parents agreeing to spend their retirement helping us taking care of any children we have, it's going to be incredibly difficult for us to have kids without feeling like we'd be failing them by not being able to provide for them the way our parents provided for us.
omg YES to that last part--it's bizarre to both feel like we should be the most well-positioned to provide for kids while also feeling like we just... wouldn't live up to our own standards. i found out recently that having a social media account is an instant reject from some of the nyc private schools, and i spent a good hour spiraling over the fact that i'd ALREADY ruined my unborn children's futures 😭
that's insane!!! it's fascinating and horrifying how many dimensions there are to getting your kid into a decent school in nyc, from parents spending tens of thousands of dollars on test prep for the specialized high schools to...something like that? guess i better go delete my entire online existence
I love your writing, Cece. This post will help many others feel seen, heard and validated.
Thank you so much, Anna! That means the world to me 🫶
I’m just short of words, in the best way possible. One, because I wish I can get on a podcast with you to talk about this with you. But two, because I’m glad that I’m not the only one who has been plagued by these thoughts. I wrote a whole essay about this as my final project in law school and truthfully couldn’t complete it because I realized just how deeply connected and multifaceted this question is - for two reasons:
1.) culturally, as a “proper African girl,” family and children are a no brainer. Both for reasons that infertility is a non-topic in the home and a taboo that every woman should violently reject. Yet as an immigrant transplanted into the North-American context, there’s been this disorienting discourse that I’m yet to grasp, particularly on the intersection of black women health - forced sterilization and the history of why, the high mortality rate of pregnant black mothers in hospitals, in the US, although in Canada, the sheer absence of data on black women’s health - and the new news headlines on the declining birth rates around the world. I find it a bit ironic, and mildly hypocritical, that a demographic of the world had been labelled poor, immoral, and uneducated for having high fertility rates, yet that the same thing that govts are paying for now.
2.) personally as first-Gener, I’ve also been struggling with reconciling my worldviews on this topic. Even on the philosophical narratives that have been heralded as the predominant thinking of how worlds/societies should be based on. I found myself strongly agreeing with the author who critiques the moral troupe attached to having children. The truth on the disproportionate labour of child-rearing, and also the argument that speculating on an unrealized future is not exactly it! Straddling my teen move to Canada but preteen development in Nigeria, I’ve found myself deeply understanding how much context influences decisions—Context including govt, society, family, culture, sub-culture, etc.—Yet, feeling the need to choose one context the(emphasized) one that influences my values, choices, and decisions.
This was such an interesting read! 😊
Excellent points--I've also found it troubling when I read articles in the U.S. about "women having too many children" in certain countries. It's hard not to see the policies trying to incentivize babies as actually trying to create more of a certain KIND of baby... if governments really cared, they could make adoption easier, among numerous other policies. And yet!
Thank you so much for reading and for offering your perspective!
i hundred percent agree!
You're most welcome, thank you for taking the time to respond thoughfully too!