As an aspiring law student then biglaw associate, I am wondering how you balanced your relationship with your (life) partner with your work. Are you able to spend enough time together? Does it get tough because you're working so much? I met the love of my life in undergrad and I'm nervous that my workload will impact our relationship, but also am super high achieving and won't settle for less professionally. Do you have any advice about this?
- Anonymous
To be completely honest, I am a pretty terrible partner whenever I have work on my mind, and it’s a huge area of concern for me as I think about having children and a family. Despite my tendency to be preoccupied with work, I have tried (and am still trying) to put into place the following practices to help me be present in my relationships:
Figure out protected time from work. Especially in the more junior years in biglaw, this protected time likely won’t be 6pm onwards. But as you figure out when your team likes to work and needs to work, you can begin figuring out what is reasonable protected time for you to spend some time with your partner. Maybe it’s after 10pm; maybe it’s Saturday after 4pm. The key is to figure out what these protected time zones might be and then calendar them into your work calendar. There will be times when you might need to schedule over them, but setting the intention and putting it into your work calendar goes a long way.
When spending time with your partner, get rid of distractions. This can be a tough one—the associate urge to check your work phone constantly is unparalleled, even if you’re in one of the protected time zones. This is why I liked to have a separate work phone, even if I did lug around two phones most of the time—I would actively leave my work phone in a different part of my apartment if it was a protected time. Yes, it means sometimes not answering a partner or client email right away, but if getting a little more lax with work means being able to invest in your relationship, that’s worth it some of the time. You’ll effectively be in two serious relationships at once—one with your life partner and one with work—and it’s better to disappoint work some of the time than to disappoint your life partner all of the time.
Practice mindfulness and be mentally present with your partner. Sure, you can be with your partner physically, but being with them mentally can be an even greater challenge. (At least that’s the case for me. If I’m really stressed about work, sometimes I realize that Nathaniel has said something and I didn’t even hear it. It’s not good.) So how do you practice being present? Meditation is the obvious one, but I also like yoga and other forms of physical exercise that emphasize being mentally present, as well. Just like how it’s hard to run a marathon if you never train, it’s hard to be mentally present for extended periods of time if you never practice. Maybe even do a five-minute meditation practice together every day. The more you practice being mentally present, the easier it gets—and the more present you can be for your partner and family.
Openly communicate with your partner. This is probably the biggest one. You can do all of the above, but if your partner has different expectations of what your relationship should look like, they are bound to be disappointed. So be sure in your quality time to not just spend time together but also talk about your upcoming work commitments, how you feel about the time they will take, and give your partner an opportunity to voice their thoughts on whether they feel like they are seeing enough of you. Nathaniel and I are trying to do monthly check-ins at the beginning of every month for 2023, where we plan out which days in that month we want to reserve for quality time—I always used to think family meetings were corny, but I totally see their value now!
I hope that helps! It can be tough to juggle a relationship and biglaw in the more junior days, but I do think it gets significantly easier as time goes on. There were periods of time where I wouldn’t really spend time with my partner, which I felt bad about, but work was also so important to me at the time that I’m not sure I would have sacrificed any amount of work. You won’t get the balance between work and your relationship perfect every day, but the key is to approach this balancing act as a team, communicating and tackling the issue as a team, and you’ll probably get the balance right overall—which is what matters. Good luck!
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