feeling like a failure due to a different chosen path & wanting to help people AND have a legal career
i did something different than everyone else. how do i not feel like a failure relative to them?
Today, I was listening to your podcast (YouTube), and I was really impressed by how you were able to discuss the topic of jealousy in such an honest way. I have always been prone to jealousy, but I can’t say that I was always that candid with others (or myself for that matter) about it. I received an invitation to a birthday party from one of my old high school classmates, and even though I won’t be able to be there because I’m studying abroad, the mere idea of going back to such an event filled me with dread. I went to a pretty good “scientific high school” (in my country, not all high schools are the same), which meant a greater focus on maths and natural sciences, but I chose to study political science at university while all my classmates went on to study safer majors such as engineering, physics, maths, economics. I feel like I wasted the opportunity of going to a good university back in my home country to study a topic that would have resulted in better job prospects later, and I feel like a failure. The idea of going back to see my classmates and having to talk about my decision to study political science is what I imagine hell to be like. I guess my question to you is: how can you defend decisions that are seen as riskier by other people? And how can you know if you are sticking to a decision because it’s something you actually want or because you simply have already invested so much time defending it to yourself and other people that questioning it would feel like everything is crumbling at your feet?
- Zoe
Hi Zoe! This is something that I've been thinking about a lot myself lately--while all of my colleagues and friends understood my departure from law to pursue writing, I received my fair share of ridicule from others. In my experience, I don't think that framing your life choices as something you have to "defend" to other people is a great way of living--living defensively seems appealing, because our human brains incessantly try to minimize pain, but living defensively means that we take away mental energy from living offensively--actively and proactively living. I noticed that you used the term "safer" when it comes to the STEM majors that your other classmates pursued and associated that with "better job prospects," indirectly making you feel like a "failure." That's some really loaded language there, and I can see how judgmental you are being to yourself. Your inner critic is working on overdrive.
Instead of focusing on how to defend your past decisions to others, channel your energy towards getting attuned with yourself and your own desires. Often, if others spend their time and energy questioning you about your life decisions, it's a symptom of their not being entirely certain about their own life choices, either. Your decision to deviate from the "safer" path likely threatens them in some way--I know that when I was struggling to find safety in my own life, I side-eyed people who majored in Art or Theatre Studies or Women's, Gender, and Sexuality Studies. I told myself that I was superior to them because I majored in something "practical," when the truth was that I felt incredibly insecure about my decision, and the fact that others were majoring in something impractical made me wonder whether I really needed to choose practicality, after all. In the end, it is bizarre to spend time and energy questioning someone else's life decisions, and the only reason why anyone would do it is because your life decisions implicate theirs in a significant way that they're not revealing to you--anyone who is happy and confident in their own life would not think twice about you pursuing political science instead of STEM.
The second question is where the real work is centered. Do you actually love political science, or are you just tied to the sunk costs associated with pursuing political science? This is where journaling comes in. Every morning or evening (whichever works better for you), think about the activities that day (or the day before) and how much they engaged you, particularly where you were achieved flow--that is, where you were totally engaged in an activity, comfortable, and otherwise "in the zone." The activities do not need to be school-related--it can, and should, be anything that you did! Capture these activities over a period of a month or more, and then look back on them to identify which activities seem to consistently engage you. I like the Designing Your Life worksheets for journaling engagement and energy (i.e., did the activity give you more energy or take away energy), and it's amazing what patterns you'll see after a few weeks. (There's also an app, although I haven't used it so can't speak to its quality.) If activities related to political science (e.g., reading for class, going to office hours, discussing with classmates) repeatedly put you into flow, then there's a very good chance that you're studying political science because you want to. But if those activities consistently return low engagement and zap your energy, that could be a sign that you're falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy and should evaluate your journal to identify what, then, does excite you. It might not be subject-related at all--maybe it's conversing with others, maybe it's deep thinking, maybe it's learning new things. Knowing what excites you is key to actively living a life that you want--not the life that others are trying to get you to want so that they feel better about their own lives.
is it possible to both help people and have a legal career?
I’m about to start law school (yay!) and am wondering how to incorporate humanitarian efforts into a law career. I feel like I need to be helping people in order to be fulfilled in life, but law doesn’t traditionally fall into these categories. Should I look outside of work and do things such as volunteer and donate or can I have the best of both worlds?
- Ieshia
Hey Ieshia! There are ways to help other people with a legal career (e.g., legal aid), but unfortunately, many of those paths don't pay much. Even in private practice, though, many lawyers are quite happy with how they are helping people--helping clients navigate the complex immigration system, finalizing divorces so that everyone can move on with their lives, assisting small businesses with legal formalities that they otherwise might not know they need. I think it is completely realistic to have the best of both worlds, as long as you are mindful about where you are looking. Any legal practice where the clients are individual people (as opposed to corporations) do, in fact, help people. I'd encourage you to explore legal practices outside of biglaw for ways in which legal practice can center individuals in their day-to-day.
That being said, there are opportunities to help people even when primarily representing corporations. Law firms often have robust pro bono practices, and there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer and donate to causes that impact individuals. Have an ongoing conversation with yourself throughout law school, as you discover more about practice areas and employment opportunities, and don't forget to ask about opportunities to help people. There are certainly many ways to do it, but the difficulty here is always in the how, not the whether. Good luck!
Have a question for Cece? Submit it here.